honk honk blargh...
today was thursday/still is thursday... and i feel like absolute crap at the moment. i think i got a little sicker, someone with whom i was making very good conversation with signed off, and im rotting from the inside out because of a relationship im in. shes oblivious and i dont want her to be, i want her to know. know that i cant be with her and i want her to be with the guy that asked her out a while back. i want her to be happy with someone else other than me because im not even worthy of her. all this time ive repressed this feeling but now its just too great to bear. i find myself feeling better when im not talking to her. i find myself happy talking to someone else. and since erica isnt here my mind assumes that its alright to continue talking to this person. and where my mind goes i must. i cant even say i have feelings left for her. i associate this pain with the tease of her telling me to "come here" and such, and i resent ever "getting back together with her". i say that with quotes because of the fact shes 6 hours away. if any of you recall before she lived 3 hours away, and instead of moving north her family decides to move south. a sign of moving on wouldnt you say? but no i was too stupid to realize what kind of crap i would be getting myself into by doing this. is it bad im typing all this while on the phone with her? im not even talking and neither is she, how the hell doesnt she realize yet!? i hear sincere love in her voice, but i hear mine with nothing but hollowness. i told her i was fine, and she believes me. for once i want her to doubt me, act a little human. then she will find out what the score is. that this is it. that we were both blind going back into this 2 months ago. blinded by a dream of a perfect world. now that dream is more a memory than anything, less real than a memory even. memories...thats what got me into this mess...memories of a good time. a total of about 12 or 13 hours ive spent with her in nearly 3 years. 3 damn years. and all i get is a hug. i try not to be like the stereotyped 17 year old male. i loved and kept the lust to a minimum. only the though of love can exist through what we had. what she thinks we still have. what i know is dead. i feel that this time itll be put in a coffin with 100 nails. ill make myself realize that idea. because as long as someone believes in this sordid relationship itll rear its head again. i have no faith, i dont believe, there is no solid proof that makes me even think about believeing. i should stop talking about this. by now you get the picture. but theres pages in my mind. hundreds of thousands of pages on this subject. and hopefully, with any luck, i can light a match in that library and set it ablaze one last time.
posted by Jarod S. @ 6:48 PM
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