monday, october 30th

saw 3 came out the other day and it was supposed to come out on the 31st! what the hell!!! i wanted to be thrilled and chilled on halloween...blargh... well i think all of us are going trick or treating tomorrow night. no telling how many candies with needles ill find. none i hope. and ive just been informed that i have church tomorrow night...arg. so i dont know really. ill have to find out...anyway, thats all for this short lived post

ah thnap!

Sunday, the proverbial...sabbath day. which is actually saturday, but the party people moved it to sunday. go figure. i went to church today, thats about it. i called beth to see what was going on and she had things to do... she called around 7 and we talked for a few minutes, but she had other people to call? i dont know, i just tried calling her back a minute ago and i heard the "line busy" beep. damn girl! 2 hours! wait a minute... shes a girl, nevermind. i wanted her to come over and watch the nightmare before christmas but it was over at 7:30... so darn. i didnt get to see her at all this weekend. sad. at least i have 1st period with her tomorrow...woo. then i get to see her throughout the whole day...woo. but i digress.... i wish her and i were together again, at least in the sense that were dating. shes my first kiss after all... and i just want things to be right...because i want to see where things go and how far they go. good experience for me i guess. i really need it.

clever names are hard to come by

oh boy, SATURDAY. how terrible today was. absolutely abysmal. i thought i was going to hang out with someone today, how wrong i was. i was made promises all day long about getting callled back by someone, and ive heard nothing from them so far. i feel blown off hardcore. i dont need to worry about her because were not technically together and whatever she does is none of my business. but i truly did want to see her today... perhaps she was having too much fun to involve me with it...thats understandable. im boring anyways...no reason for me to attend a party or anything. i was having a conversation with somoene last night, erica to be exact, about how life is complicated. if you diligent readers can remember so far back as to my 2nd post on here... i poured my heart out into a post relating my feelings toward the relationship we were in. i stated that the distance was our only issue. which it was, i could go so far as to even put it in the present tense as "is" i suppose. the discussion was held on that subject as well a while back. and ive been having some strange internal conflicts the past week or so. but...i dont want to get into that here. but truly, my mind is in a state of disarray. beth seems to put things into perspective i guess. every moment we spend physically together as a couple really is something to marvel at. like fireworks in slow motion... or some kind of long, slow symphony...i dont really know. all that i know is is that when shes in my arms the problems of the world melt away in the cool flames of our feelings toward one another.
thats all kids
--goodnight for now

what blasphemy is this?

truly i disappoint myself. ive been reading all of my previous posts on here and i wish i could write like that again. perhaps i just dont have the inner gut propulsion of the anger/seething feeling of deep depression or loneliness. well not so much anymore really. i sort of have a "Stable-ish relationship going for me right now...although it is causing me some of that inner pain...but not so much that i get hung up on my own pool if sorrow and remorse. that pool of sorrow, however, was my home for a good many months. i would say from january til about the end of september of this year. hell of a long time, eh? truly it was. and after all this time it was that easy. i use the term easy loosely mind you...because it really hasnt been so easy on me, or her for that matter. her for example. she has her own issues to work out before we can work properly...alright, thats cool with me. as long as were still around each other and not hating...thats great news. the hard part for me is worrying about whether shes going to be alright or how shes going to act around her friends. even though we arent technically together right now it still gets to me. because all i ever wish for is a stable relationship with learning potential. and for the most part thats exactly what i have. with exception of some stability/trust issues. other than that...its grand. problem is is that those issues are weighed pretty heavily. but im still hanging in there, waiting until things blow over and they get back to normal. or as close to normal as possible. normality is all that i can wish and wait for. no guarantees...but a promise from someone i care about deeply. i hope she straightens things out, because right now all i want is her. and she knows that. all i want is to love and be loved again. im pretty sure we'll get to that point, but until she finds her way all i can do is be patient...something im kinda good at.

roller coaster of emotions

so yeah, things lately have been as my title says. one weekend i have a girlfriend and the other i dont, then it repeats. problem is..is that i like this girl very much and i dont want to completely break up with her. i just want things to go back to normal, where both of us can be together without the stress is causes on either end. im just hoping she figures things out for herself so we can go back to normal...yeah...
i havent updated this in a while but im sure i will now that its my homepage...
check back often

breathing life back into this skeleton...

oh goodness good old blogger! my one and only internet journal that i can tell anything to . okay...summer. i got a job at KFC in denison and got fired after a day and a half. scurvy fiends! i hate the management. taking inventory doesnt qualify as hard work you assclowns! surfing the internet doesnt either by the way. i had enough of the lax management after a day. good thing i wanted to leave. then shortly thereafter i got a job with travis, james, josh and rolando out in dorchester tearing down barns. the pay was marginal but hey, cold-hard-tax-free cash is always welcomed. im still a lonely loser unfortunately. i have not liked anyone since ashley. im serious. and now theres this girl that works at sonic in howe that i flipped over. amy is helping me on that. otherwise i have no other leads on potential mates. im the eternal screw up when it comes to girls. i just cant seem to make it work. I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!
on that subject. james had a girl who liked him severely...and let it go because he didnt feel she was "the one". were 17 dude, no one is the right one yet. you have to try new things dumbass...

im done...talk to yous laters

No Sympathy For The Devil

new picture as you can tell. i dunno what you call it but i call it a jaw-beard...and besides a mustache and sideburns, thats all i can grow at the moment. sideburns are my specialty.

i found a dime from 1972 today. at first i was like, hey a dime...but then i really thought about it. how many hands had this one little piece of metal gone through over these 34 years? had anyone famous handled it in its long life? it witnessed the Nixon administration, Vietnam, Hunter S. Thompson....i find the simplest things amazing as you can tell. i think i have a nickel from 1947 somewhere...

i applied for jobs at Books-A-Million and Waldenbooks yesterday. Waldenbooks is my preferred choice, its smaller and the chick that works there seems pretty cool. that and its at the mall so i can eat at Mr. Wok everyday. BAM is huge on the other hand. no wonder they have million in their name, must have more books than that im sure. BAM's application was online and slightly offbeat from a normal application. personality questions, simple math...etc. W'Book`s was on paper and i found it to be easier to understand for some reason. im hoping for an interview at both but you never know.

i think i need to buy a PS2 so i can play all my final fantasy games again. the playstation i have is the early 90's model, a grey rectangular prism about a foot or so across and 7 or 8 inches in width...its a dinosaur. sure the discs are scratched but i think the eye on the reader is boned up. so...im disappointed. i spent a week or so looking for disc 1 of FF7 to find it scratched to hell. oh well.

ill be posting this on MySpace and Blogger too...just so you know.

summer really isnt good for the mind

you know why it isnt? those of us who dont have anything to do think too much. because of the fact that when im not with friends i feel like im the only person on the planet. that or the only person thats alone on the planet...either or. it just sucks. i would love more than anything to at least find someone...but no. i just pissed off someone out there and they mustve put a hex on me at some point. if they did they succeeded. i dont know how to explain it really. its just frustrating as hell because as much as i look for someone to love again i just cant really. im hung up on someone else and i cant/dont really want to break away from that. ugh...i just dont know