Sad Days...Ahead and Behind

January started me on a downward spiral of bad emotions. Along with that came a terrible curse that haunts me still. Keeping a rather straight face as my insides turn to dust and blow away...sooner or later itll show through definitely. but for now i just let people think im ok. as much as i deny the pain to you guys, im secretly hoping you pry further just so i can tell someone about all this. my secret prison of lonliness, pain, suffering and sorrow. i let you take in a little bit at times...and you say itll be ok. i try to believe but soon that hope dies. i appreciate it, i really do. i bring it upon myself though. its not a good place to be.

today has just been one big disaster. first it was the torment (which again..my fault). around the sunday school building theres all these signs saying "the road to san antone"...and everytime i see one i want to cry. then a little girl kept saying "erica" over and over again looking for someones drawing on the wall. then later on i saw 2 people holding hands...and later at the store i saw 2 more people holding hands. and being a religious person i take things for signs a lot of the time. i ask God to give me a sign as to relieve my terrible pain...and he gives me giant arrows pointing to her. a coincidence you might say. but all this within an hour? i doubt it. no way that it can just be chance. because the last time we broke up i got the same arrows pointing south. then when we got back together they went away. like i had hit my destination. so now im seeing them again. am i being tormented or just prodded in the right direction? im leaning toward the latter. everytime i approach kristin to just talk to her my mouth locks up...brain function goes on minimum and i can observe what im doing outside of myself...like a movie. i KNOW i need to talk to her but something stops me. can it be him? preventing me from doing something thatll screw up his master plan? i truly dont know. i ask for answers but i just get more riddles. thats all i need right now....more confusion. but anyway, even if she is the one that im being pushed toward....theres not much i can do now. ive burned my bridge...(now only partially rebuilt)...and shes more or less moved on. lucky for her new boyfriend, he got one of the few good ones that are out there. so why did i break up with her? basically to keep a promise i made to her. and i still dont know if ive fulfilled that promise yet...she hasnt told me. it strikes me as odd why i broke up with her in the first place...i had delusions...then theres the fact that she didnt even try to find out why i was like the way i was....and try to help me through....cuz it probably wouldntve happened and i wouldnt be typing this long entry. i would have seen her a few weeks ago. i would be going to san antonio over the summer. i wouldve had a stable future. i would have been happy. so would she.

I forgot to mention (please slap me) that Ashley,one of my best friends....her dad is in the hospital and she told me that hes in bad shape....im so worried right now its not even funny. i dotn want her to experience this. so i beg all of you that read this to please keep Ashley and her family in your prayers. thank you